


Drinking Fresh Mango Juice

by JoxersPrincess



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Baby, F/M, Fluff, Gen, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-02
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-11 03:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5611516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoxersPrincess/pseuds/JoxersPrincess
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seems someone else was in statis aboard the Red Dwarf…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“To Ganymede and Titan, yes, sir, I’ve been around!” sang Dave Lister, pushing a cart and following Arnold J Rimmer around.

Arnold Rimmer stopped. “Lister, have you ever been hit over the head with a welding mallet?” he asked, Rimmer craved quiet like his lungs craved air. Lister shook his head. Hard days made Rimmer, hard nights shaped Rimmer. “No? Stop that and push the trolley.”

Rimmer turned a corner in the hallway and he followed, saluting the man in front of him. “Yes, sir, Rimmer!” Lister said, his voice dripping in sarcasm. “I bet you’ve been ‘it over the ‘ead with a welding mallet. ‘eard your girly back on Earth was into the ‘un stuff.”

Lister was a real Malibu middle class Ken piece of shit. “Where on Earth did you hear that, Mr. Lister?” asked Rimmer, a blush attacking his face. Rimmer wanted to scream and run down the hall.

“Oi, everyone knows that Nellie is a bit of a kinky lass,” smiled Lister.

Rimmer bit his tongue. “Right. Corridor 159,” he said. “And Lister, shut up about my girl!”

“I can’t even compliment that beautiful Scottish rump?”

“No!”

“Don’t know why she wastes it on you,” growled Lister.

“Don’t talk about my girl, don’t compliment my girl and don’t wonder about my girl,” said Rimmer. The interior of this corridor smelled of stale cooking grease and felt like it too. “One more thing about my girl, anything, and you’re on report, my laddo. What job number is this?” Lister stood there, with a far off look in his eyes. “Lister, D., Third Technician. Offence: obstructing a superior technician by making inappropriate remarks.” When the Captain sees this, you’re dead.”

“Rimmer, I’m bored!”

“Bored!? This is essential routine maintenance! It’s absolutely vital for the well-being of this crew, this mission and this ship!” cried Rimmer. His eyes went back to the clipboard. “Dispenser 172: chicken soup nozzle clogged. Pass me a 14B, Lister.” He handed him a pipe like thing. “Lister is this a 14B? Does it look even remotely like a 14B?” Rimmer grabbed an almost identical pipe from the trolley. “This is a 14B, Lister. This is a 14F. Are you blind?”

“Who cares?”

“I care, Lister!” cried Rimmer. “It’s my career. I get it in the neck if an officer comes along, orders chicken soup, and get blackcurrant cordial with blancmange, two creams and a sugar.” Rimmer looked up at the machine after messing with it. “Chicken soup.” The machine hummed and brought down a red cup full of chicken noodle soup. Rimmer drank a little of what was in the cup before spewing it out of his mouth. “Yep. That’s working.”

“It’s stupid, all this maintenance business,” groaned Lister. Lister blew a healthy draught of beer into Rimmer’s face. “The only reason they don’t give this job to the service robots is they’ve got a better union than us.”

Rimmer looked at the clipboard once more. “What’s next? “Botanical gardens: faulty porous circuit. In corridor 147: sticking door.”

“You any closer to passing your engineer’s exam?” asked Lister. “Or will you end up flunking again?”

“Last time I only failed by the “narrowest” of narrow margins,” said Rimmer.

“You what? You walked in there, wrote, I am a fish 400 times, did a funny little dance, and fainted,” said Lister.

“That’s a total lie!”

“No, it’s not! Petersen told me!”

Todhunter came down the hallway. “Ah, Rimmer, I’m going through McIntyre’s artifacts, and I see that you’ve filed 247 complaints against…Lister.”

“Yes, sir!”

“123 counts of insulting a superior, 39 counts of dereliction of duty, 84 counts of insubordination and one count of mutiny,” said Todhunter.

“Yes, sir!”

“Mutiny, Lister?”

An amused grin twisted Lister’s mouth. “I took his tooth brush.”

“Nellie likes my teeth to be perfect and clean.”

“Cause she’s got a sexual thing for teeth.” Lister’s eyes were blazing, and he flashed Rimmer a fiery smile.

“Do I need to report you again for talking about my girl inappropriately!?” snarled Rimmer. “No speaking of, complimenting or wondering about my girl.”

“Todhunter, have you seen Nellie Strong?” asked Lister.

“Don’t drag him into this!”

“That’s enough!” ordered Todhunter.

“How can Nellie love a smeghead like yourself?”

Todhunter smiled at a visibly angry Rimmer. “Oh, Rimmer. You ARE a smeghead.”


	2. II

Lister looked out of the window of Rimmer and his room. He was hunkered down in his bunk. “There goes McIntyre,” Lister commented. “Goodbye George. That was George!”

Arnold had the intent to fastening his teeth around Lister’s neck. Arnold J Rimmer sat on his bunk. Arnold was busy watching the monitor in their room. “I thought it was Mary Queen of Scots!” Rimmer grumbled. He just didn’t hold with such nonsense. “Off.”

The monitor turned black, the funeral was turned off. “I was watching that!”

“Tough!” his roommate said. Lister made a move to grab his guitar. “You touch that guitar and I’ll remove the E string and garrote you.”

“Can I do anything? Is it okay if I breathe? Can I breathe?” asked Lister.

“I have an exam tomorrow and I intend to pass,” said Arnold.

“Yeah, yeah, cause that’ll get Nellie to marry ya,” grumbled his roommate. Lister looked at Rimmer’s arms. “By cheating?”

“This is not cheating! It is merely an aid to memory,” he said. “It helps me marshal the facts at my command.”

“What copying entire textbook onto your body?” he asked. “Hand your body in and let them mark that!”

“Do you think it is easy for someone like me to become an officer?” asked Arnold. “And with the added pressure of a beautiful Scottish lass waiting for me back on Earth? Waiting for a diamond ring to be put on her ring finger? Waiting for a house filled with little Rimmers?”

Lister shuddered at the thought of Little Rimmers. The thought was as pretty as a car crash. “If you can’t pass fair and square, why bother?” asked Lister.

“Because, higher rank means more respect and maybe Nellie and myself can afford a nice little home along a river. Maybe in Sweden, she loves Sweden,” said Rimmer.

“Well, I’m going to buy a little farm on Fiji and I’m going to get a sheep and a cow and breed horses,” said Lister.

“With a sheep and a cow?”

“No, with horses and horses,” said Lister.

“On Fiji?”

“Yeah! The prices are unbelievable!” said Lister.

Arnold Rimmer wanted to take Dave Lister by the shoulders and look into his drunken eyes, a sure sign that Lister was about to receive another Lesson in Life. “Yes, because of a volcanic eruption, now most of Fiji is three feet below sea level!”

“It’s only three feet. They can wade,” said Lister. “That’s why the animals are gonna have to be quite tall.”

“Nice plan, Lister! Better than my plan! Brilliant plan, Lister!” said Arnold. “What about the sheep? Buy them water wings? Fit them with stilts? Cross-breed them with dolphins and have leaping mutton!”

“You can get a drainage grant these days,” said Lister.

“Why bother? Be the first to produce wet-look knitwear!” said Rimmer. “You have got the brain of a cheese sandwich!”

The monitor turned on and the head of Holly popped onto the screen. “The Welcome Back George McIntyre reception is starting,” said the head. “Everybody is invited, especially those who weren’t able to attend his funeral.”


End file.
